A few years ago on his 29th birthday, I gave Ben a copy of A Book of Beards, featuring gritty photography of bearded men in high-definition black and white by Justin James Muir.

His work is beautiful, and the proceeds from the sales went entirely to help pay the medical bills of Justin’s friend and brother who were both fighting cancer. It was a plus to find photos of the late Ryan Dunn, arguably my biggest high school crush and a dear friend to the Muirs, on its pages. Soon, I found Justin’s instagram account and followed along with his beautifully documented life in dramatic natural settings flooded in golden sunlight, his model girlfriend (now wife), Veronica, their life in West Chester, Pennsylvania, and travels around the northeast that make me want to be part of their tight-knit group of friends. Justin and the incredibly talented Sasha Israel are the folks behind We Laugh We Love, an artful wedding photography studio whose work many of you have probably seen and drooled over in recent years. Shortly after Justin and Veronica married, I reached out to the Muirs in hopes they may be interested in sharing their thoughts on marriage, and I feel lucky that they took the time to do that. Welcome, friends!

Tell me about how you met and how you felt about each other that first day. What eventually happened that made you each believe you would get married some day?

Veronica: Well, there’s two different stories to tell here, if you want to hear them both. Technically, the first time we met was at a music venue I used to bartend at here in West Chester. Justin was a touring musician from Rhode Island, and I happened to be working the night his band was playing. It was an an all ages show, so unfortunately for me, the place was packed with underage kids, and there weren’t many people drinking in the bar area, except for the guys in the bands. I remember taking notice of Justin because he was tipping me a couple bucks for every drink he got. Not to stereotype guys in bands, but in my experience, band guys rarely tip, and if they do, they aren’t tipping much. Oh, and did I mention how cute I thought he was? It’s funny because Justin doesn’t strike me was a shy guy what so ever, but he was so shy that night! However, other than a few flirty glances back and forth there was no conversation outside of serving drinks.  At the end of the night he came up asking if he could get anything for $3. I knew he spent most his money tipping me so I bought him a shot of tequila to say thank you for being generous. And that was it! About a month later he friend requested me on Facebook, but I didn’t recognize the name so I declined him. He wrote a really sweet message and then I remembered exactly who he was. We casually chatted on Facebook for about 8 months before we saw each other again. Cut to… our second meeting.

I had a job up in Cape Cod and on my drive up there we met for a quick dinner. I remember being really nervous to see him again, since the only conversations we had were through Facebook and text. Although I thought he was so handsome, I was only expecting our hangout to be friendly, nothing more. We went to a sushi restaurant and walked along the river in Providence all night. We had so much fun chatting all night he decided to drive up to Cape Cod a day later to see me. It was April and almost everything on the Cape is closed at that time of year, but we found little restaurant and bar that the locals went to. It ended up being so romantic and it wasn’t even supposed to be a date. We had oysters for dinner and then went for a midnight stroll on the beach and had our first kiss under the moon. He pretty much swept me off my feet. Nothing was ever the same after that night!

As far as realizing when I knew we would get married, I’m not sure I can pinpoint an exact moment. Justin is so kind and generous to everyone around him, but he was also smart, trustworthy, responsible, and could take care of himself. He demonstrated all the best traits of a partner from the very beginning. Most importantly we just had so much fun being together. We went on adventures and could be silly together. We also made a great team without losing ourselves in the process. I wish I could say there was this fairytale moment where we just knew we were supposed to be together forever, but the reality is it happened more organically. I’ve come to realize that those fairytale moments can be really misleading. To base your entire relationship off of one pinnacle moment can only lead you down. Instead of just having one, we like to say we have one everyday. Everyday our lives together get better and better. And because of that, we always have something to look forward to. 

Justin: So the first day we met was a bit more memorable for me than it was for her. I was a musician at the time and had been touring around the country from a couple months. Our second to last stop of the tour was in city called West Chester, Pennsylvania, at a venue called The Note. I saw my lovely wife walk out of her car and into the club and she immediately made my head turn. She turned out to be the bar tender for the show I was playing. I didn’t talk to her all night, but before last call worked up the nerve to say hello and ordered a whisky. She gave it to me for free, so I took that as a sign. Didn’t end up getting her number, but through the wonderful world of Facebook was able to track her down and charm her via the interweb. She eventually had a job close to where I lived, so we decided to meet up and the rest as they say…

The reason I knew she was it, was because she is the easiest person to be around and the most fun to be around. I don’t think there was one moment that made me realize we would be married. I think it was a combination of all the time we spent together and figuring out how awesome we were together. Oh and we both love unicorns. 

Photo by With Love and Embers

Tell me the things that mattered most to you about your wedding day.

Veronica: Of course every girl wants their wedding to be beautiful and all that jazz, but one of the most important things to me was I wanted our friends and family to feel as special as possible. Every single person at our wedding contributed to our lives in so many ways, and we wanted to our guests to feel like it was about them too. Our success as a couple is undoubtedly due to the love and support that we have received from each and every one of our guests over the years. We wouldn’t be who we are without them. 

Justin: You can get married by yourselves at a courthouse, but we didn’t. We invited 200 people and had them track to PA to watch it. So an important part of our wedding was the people. We both come from different states and now live together in a different state than our families. So there were a lot of different worlds colliding… it was the best. There are pictures from our wedding of people who had never met before having the times of their life with each other and those make me so happy. And for Veronica and I, just having a relaxing day was important. No stress was our main goal… and we nailed it. On the day of, at least. 

Photo by With Love and Embers

Planning a wedding can be stressful. It’s expensive. Your feelings all become so elevated about the event, and before you realize it’s happened, your relationship and the actual marriage can get put on the back burner almost like a reward for getting through the enormous party. How can a wedding become less about planning a party and more about the new family that’s beginning?

Veronica: Wow. Yes. This is so true. I think the planning was even more stressful than I ever could have imagined it would be. First of all, it was extremely important to me that we did premarital counseling. I don’t think Justin was totally into the idea when I first brought it up. It took a bit of convincing on my end, but he was willing to give it a shot. After our first meeting with Dawn, Justin was sold, and it ended up being one of his favorite parts of the planning process. We were able to learn how to fine tune our communication with each other, and see things from new perspectives, while also making the time for each other during a relatively stressful process. 

We also made a pact that the week before the wedding we would just let everything be what it was. If things weren’t completed to our expectations, we were just gonna be okay with it. And it gave us time to unwind and relax before the rush. Also, the morning of our wedding, I had planned to have our officiate, Dawn, do a yoga class with the girls in the morning. That was SOOO helpful in keeping me relaxed and present during our entire day. That is something I would recommend to every bride on their wedding day. It’s so important to have a relationship with yoga and meditation. Over the past few years I’ve learned healthy ways to deal with my stress and it’s been life changing for me. It definitely helped me stay focused on what’s important during the times when you think everything is about to fall apart! 

Justin: So Veronica and I were very aware that this could happen so about 6 months before we got married we started a marriage counseling class. I’m not sure that’s exactly what you call it, but we met with Veronica’s yoga instructor and counselor about 15 times before we got married. Talking through what was important to us in our relationship and what was important to us on our wedding day. It was my favorite part about getting married. We really sculpted a ceremony that we were proud of and that meant so much to us both. 

Photo by With Love and Embers

How are you involved in each other’s career goals?

Veronica: Well, I’m probably Justin’s biggest fan when it comes to his career. I think he’s amazingly talented and such a hard worker. I think being happy in your career is so important, for yourself and your relationship. If Justin ever became unhappy doing what he was doing, I’d be the first person to encourage him to try something else. To me, your happiness is more important than the money you make. I’ll be happy as long as I have him by my side. Justin also has been a big supporter of me going back to school too. If it wasn’t for him, I might not have made the leap to do it as an older student. 

Justin: Veronica is my biggest supporter and I am her biggest supporter. It’s really that simple. Right now I work A TON and she is very understanding of my hectic schedule. She even works with me from time to time on various shoots and projects. Veronica is still navigating her final career choice, and is back in school trying to work towards something that is meaningful to her. Its easy to say “do what you love,” Veronica and I say it all the time, but it’s harder to do something that is meaningful, and she is trying to find that. 

What advice would you each give to a newlywed?

Veronica: Well, I guess we haven’t been married long enough to say our advice should definitely be followed by newlyweds, since we are newlyweds ourselves. But what I can say is, through the 5+ years Justin and I have been together, I have realized there are three extremely important aspects of keeping a successful relationship going strong.

First is communication. It is so important that a couple is able to talk to each other about anything. Now this might sound easy, but it’s actually a lot more difficult than most people realize. It takes a lot of work to understand how to properly communicate with your partner so that they actually hear what you are trying to say. Find out what each other’s love languages are. Figure out if you are passive, passive aggressive, or aggressive communicator and then practice talking assertively. This leads in to the next important piece of advice.

Take responsibility for yourself. Be the kind of person you would want to be with. Sometimes we focus too much on what our partner isn’t doing that we forget to look at ourselves. When you focus on bettering yourself, everything around you will get better too. 

And lastly, as much as it is important to spend time together and be a unit, I think it’s just as important to be your own person too. I think sometimes it’s easy to lose yourself in your relationship, and as long as you are doing things for yourself you will never lose that sense of yourself. 

Justin: I don’t think I’m fully equipped yet to give advice on marriage… it’s only been 3 months. But relationship-wise, romantic or platonic, communication is the number one thing. If you can’t say how you feel, or listen to how the other person feels, it’s going to make things a lot harder.

Thank you so much, Veronica and Justin. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate and enjoyed reading your thoughtful answers.

You can keep up with the Muirs here: We Laugh We Love, Justin’s website, Justin’s instagram, Veronica’s instagram, Justin’s Twitter

Ben, my husband and Lucky Luxe co-owner, lived in North Carolina for several years of his growing up while his dad was in graduate school at Duke and went to high school there in a tiny town called Reidsville. I always heard the stories of his old friends there, about playing basketball and senior day mud fights, and more often than not, stories about his buddy BJ Barham would come up, too. He was the token high school friend with a garage band everyone loved. In college, Ben would receive the occasional message on facebook inviting him to one of BJ’s Mississippi shows on American Aquarium‘s national tour routes, and he would brag to people, “My buddy’s band is gonna make it, y’all. They’re gonna be huge.” One day I was scrolling through my newsfeed and saw a video someone had posted of a live American Aquarium show, and I had to get my jaw up off the floor. I’d never heard them before, and loved the way it felt like all the best things about alt-country and 90s alt-rock were in their music. I became a big fan, and Ben said, “I told you so.” We finally met after college at one of their shows in Ocean Springs, Mississippi, and again at Ben’s 10 year high school reunion where we also met BJ’s adorable (then) girlfriend, now wife, Rachael, whose incredible collection of vibrant, beautifully done tattoos belie her sweet and quiet spirit.

Nowadays, Mr. and Mrs. Barham and their French bulldog, Bueller, share a beautiful home in Raleigh, North Carolina when he isn’t on the road with American Aquarium. His band shares a publicist with Bruce Springsteen, rubs elbows with Ryan Adams and Dwight Yoakam, and is getting big love from Rolling Stone Magazine and CMT, so, it sounds like they’ve arrived. Today I’m proud to share our interview with the brand-newlyweds who know a thing or two about making a long-distance marriage work.

Photo by Miguel Emmanuelli

Tell me about how you met and how you felt about each other that first day. What eventually happened that made you each believe you would get married some day?

Rachael: Our love story does not start off with a once upon a time! I met BJ in Jacksonville FL (where I was living). I was actually on a first date with someone else, and the band that was opening up the show were friends of mine. I was actually headed out after their set, but a coworker told me I should stay for the next guy because she thought I would really like him. BJ started singing those sad songs of his and I started talking, at which point he immediately yelled at me from stage. A little embarrassed, I shut up. After the show, I made my way to my friends to say goodbye, and BJ just so happened to be right next to them. I told him the show was great and asked him where he was from (I liked his deep southern accent). As soon as he mentioned he was from North Carolina I pushed my then-roommate in front of him, and said “her too” and left. As luck would have it, we all ended up at the same bar later that night, but we never spoke. The next morning the old Facebook worked its magic and I had a friend request from you-know-who. Now here is where our versions will differ about who wrote who, and how this whole thing got started (he started it!). But, because our relationship slightly overlapped with previous ones I am going to skip some details and just say this—something that started off very casual became serious quickly (so quickly, neither one of us really noticed for a while). We spent every day, all day texting, telling each other things you would never tell someone you were trying to impress or date, because we didn’t think it was going to ever get that far. Then, poof —before I knew what hit me, I was in love. In just 7 months here was this person who knew everything about me, and never once judged me. Again, fast-forwarding past a few messy details, decisions were made and that was that. I had, against some pretty terrible odds, found the person everyone hopes to find. The person that just gets them, that makes them whole. I never felt incomplete before BJ, boyfriends came and went without ever really phasing me. At the risk of sounding even more cheesy than I already have, BJ was a piece of me I never realized was missing – but now I hope to never know a day without him.

BJ: I met Rae at a show in Jacksonville,FL (where she is from) while I was on an acoustic tour in 2011. She was on a date with someone else and really didn’t seem to have any interest in me. She talked throughout the show and I called her out from stage and asked her to be please be quiet because other people actually wanted to see the show. I think I embarrassed her. I tried talking to her after the show but she kept insisting that I talk to her friends instead so I took that as an “I’m not really into you” kinda vibe. The next morning I woke up and checked Facebook and she had written “good show” on my wall. That led to me sending a friend request, which then led to me sending a message, which then led to me asking for her number. We texted night and day for about 2 or 3 weeks and then we decided to see each other. After our first date (a taco place in Athens,GA) I knew that she was the one for me. She is the female version of me. From the things we find funny to the sordid stories of past relationships, we are the same person. We spent months getting to know each others deepest and darkest secrets and neither of us ran away. I had finally met someone that didn’t judge my past. This was the “love” and “acceptance” that should only have a place in a cheesy romantic comedy, but it was right in front of me. We dated for a year, then she moved to Raleigh, then after two years of seeing the best/worst of each other, I asked her to be my wife, and she said “yes.” Not the most conventional road to ever after, but I’ll take it.

 Tell me the things that mattered most to you about your wedding day.

Rachael: Of course I wanted everything to look nice, and go smoothly, but our families were meeting for the first time, so I was most concerned with everyone feeling comfortable. Also, 95% of our family and friends were coming from out of town, I felt like needed to play host as well as bride which made me a little (a lot) cranky at times, but at the end of it, the most special part of the day, aside from marrying my favorite human on the planet, was that my mother and father were both there to walk me down the aisle. My dad has been ill the majority of my life, and my mother is the glue that holds my family together and to have the two of them by my side on that day was just perfect.  

BJ: I think I may be the only groom in the history of groom-dom that cared more about the wedding than the bride. Rachael just wanted to elope at the courthouse but I was pretty insistent that we have a proper wedding. All I cared about was my friends and family being there to watch me commit my life to this woman. Our story is not believable. When I tell other people how we got together they laugh and think I’m joking. I wanted them to see how real this was. How a woman changed every view I had on relationships in the matter of a few months. The most important thing to me was keeping it low key. We paid for the wedding ourselves, 100% out of pocket, so we didn’t want it to be this extravagant event. Good food, open bar, friends and family. That’s what we set out to do and I feel like we nailed it.

Photo by Miguel Emmanuelli

Planning a wedding can be stressful. It’s expensive. Your feelings all become so elevated about the event, and before you realize it’s happened, your relationship and the actual marriage can get put on the back burner almost like a reward for getting through the enormous party. How can a wedding become less about planning a party and more about the new family that’s beginning?

Rachael: I may not be the best person to ask— or maybe I am. Unlike most relationships, BJ was the one that wanted the traditional (I use that loosely) wedding. If I had my way, we would have taken all the money spent on food, and cake, and everything else and spent a month in Costa Rica instead of a week. However, I am glad we did have a wedding day instead of just running to the courthouse, mostly because our parents probably would have killed us. Don’t lose sight of why you’re really doing this. Your family and friends are not there to eat fancy food or listen to a popular band. They are there to be blinded by your love for the day. Money is one of the major reasons couples fight, so there is no point in putting yourself in debt for a party you will hardly remember. In my opinion spend your money on a great photographer, they will make even the dirtiest rock and roll club look magical (see my wedding photos). Weddings are special, but ultimately they are still just a party. During the planning process just keep reminding yourself, the little stuff does not matter. No one but you really cares about your tablescapes or floral decorations. You didn’t need the perfect lighting or flower crown to fall in love, you certainly don’t need them to say “I do.” Just relax, some things are probably going to go wrong, and that’s okay. As long as you and your partner are there to say those very special words in front of the people you care most for, that’s it. The wedding will be a success.

 BJ: You have to understand that at the end of the day, it’s just a big party. It’s not going to go perfectly. There will be surprises and glitches, but its about something so much bigger than that. Its you and your partner, committing the rest of your lives to each other, in front of the people that matter the most. If you keep that in mind, it makes trimming the fat a lot easier. We started off with a 200+ person guest list and narrowed it down to 75. We only invited the people that we knew would make it a priority to be there. Every single person we invited came to the wedding. They didn’t come for the over the top ice sculptures or a 5 star chef cooking a limited menu. They came to eat BBQ, listen to a rock n roll band, and watch two people they care about become one. When you realize that is what you are planning, it becomes a lot easier.

Rachael and BJ’s custom Lucky Luxe wedding invitations

 Photo by Miguel Emmanuelli

How do you each envision your marriage 10 years from now?

Rachael: Well in 10 years BJ will be 41 and I will be less than 6 months away from turning 40, so I assume I will be having a slight nervous breakdown. Aside from the mass quantities of wrinkle cream I’m already thinking about buying just writing this—I’d like to think the Barham Farm will be in full swing. We are in the beginning stages of looking for our first home now (which we’ve named the Barham Farm), so by 2025 BJ should be touring less and home more, our daughter (fingers crossed) will be 7ish, and that should be really fun! We are still a few months away from our first wedding anniversary so 10 years holds so many possibilities, I am sure we will have had our ups and downs, but there is no doubt we will grow stronger from them. Marriage takes work. It is not easy to make a lifelong commitment to always put someone else before yourself. I look forward to the challenge. The last few years with BJ have taught me a great deal about myself, and I’ve grown so much. He is truly the best man I have ever met and he doesn’t make a single decision without considering our best interest as a family. So I can only hope that a photo of us 10 years from now would show: two strong individuals still very much in love, a healthy and happy child, and maybe just a couple of French bulldogs, goats, and chickens!

 BJ: A lot has changed since we got married. The band has seen its first bit of national success. I’ve been sober for over a year (8/31) and me and Rae are starting the process of buying our first home. 10 years from now I hope she still looks at me the way I look at her. I’ve never met anyone in my entire life that exudes the things that woman does. She does it for me. The worst day in the world can be cancelled out with a 2-minute chat on Facetime. I hope that never changes. Kids are definitely in the equation. 2 is my ideal number. I can’t wait to be a dad. I know a lot of guys fear that step but I am ready to welcome it for sure. So, 10 years from now… Home. Kids. Happy. If I can have all three, then I’m the luckiest dude on the planet.

What advice would you each give to a newlywed?

Rachael: Don’t forget how much you love each other and why you got married in the first place. “Marriage is a humbling experience. It is part skill, part luck, elbow grease and blind determination. It isn’t always pretty.” I think that quote by Michele Weiner-Davis sums it up better than I ever could. After the honeymoon it’s time to face reality, each person has lived their whole life as an individual and now you’re a team. Remember you are not always going to see eye to eye on everything, so try to look at things from your partner’s point of view. No one is easy to live with all of the time, so just close your eyes and remember how you felt when you said “I do.”  

BJ: Everyday gets better and better. You notice things about your wife that you never even thought about before. Everyday I fall more and more in love with this woman. She is the strongest, smartest, most independent person I have ever met and she teaches me so much about myself everyday. Appreciate your mate. Never make them feel inferior. You are equals and in this for the long haul. Don’t go to bed angry with each other. Never stop trying to impress her. Tell her you love her every chance you get.

Thank you so much, friends. I hope you readers will check out American Aquarium’s tour dates and see them live the next time they’re in your neck of the woods. You’ll love them!

Keep up with Rachael here: instagram

Keep up with BJ here: website, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube

Today I’m excited to tell you we are launching a weekly interview series called Marriage Mondays where we’ll be chatting with some of our favorite creative people about their own weddings and marriages (which are two very different things). My hope is that these questions and answers will open the door for honest conversation with our engaged readers who are in the overwhelming midst of wedding planning. Marriage begins after the wedding, and truly—that’s the best part. The wedding invitation is the first page of a new family’s story, and we’d like to invite you good folks to let your thoughts wander to those sweet chapters of life.

Our very first post comes to you from Erin Austen Abbott, wife of Sean Kirkpatrick, mama to Tom Otis, owner of Amelia, fellow Mississippi artist, and all-around darling of the creative movement happening in our state (which you may have read about in the New York Times). Her shop on the Oxford square holds so many lovely treasures, from pretty paper to fancy bath products, and as a new friend, I’m excited that she’s leading the way on our interview series. So, let’s get started!

Tell me about how you met and how you felt about each other that first day. What eventually happened that made you each believe you would get married some day?

Sean and I have a long story about how we met… I’ll give you the short version. I was sitting in a coffee shop in Oxford one day, and he walked in. I, without a doubt, knew the moment I saw him, he was who I was going to marry. We never spoke nor made eye contact. My heart just knew. I didn’t meet him until eight months later, in San Francisco. The first encounter was like slicing butter. You could feel the chemistry. We didn’t meet again for six months, this time in Los Angeles. After that night, we talked on the phone everyday, as we were apart the first four months. We knew we were going to marry because it was like nothing either of us had felt before. We were okay when we had to be apart. We could still follow our own creative path and the relationship was going to be fine. Independence within the relationship has always been so healthy for us. 

 Tell me the things that mattered most to you about your wedding day.

We wanted a very small wedding. One where we could be with all of our guests, talk to them, so we had a small church wedding and dinner of about 25 people, then ten days later, we threw a big party for our friends and family to attend.

 Planning a wedding can be stressful. It’s expensive. Your feelings all become so elevated about the event, and before you realize it’s happened, your relationship and the actual marriage can get put on the back burner almost like a reward for getting through the enormous party. How can a wedding become less about planning a party and more about the new family that’s beginning?

Something that we thought about doing, after the fact of course, was to just elope then go on a long trip, traveling around to family and out-of-town friends, making introductions and meeting those near and dear to the other. It would have been a fun adventure and a great honeymoon. Planning a wedding is stressful and making sure you don’t hurt someone’s feelings is really hard to avoid. We thought the idea of travel would have really introduced us as a new family to all of our friends and family. And we could have sent out a really fun invitation suite to show everyone where we were traveling to. 

 How do you each envision your marriage 10 years from now?

Sean is a musician, so I hope that he’s where he wants to be in his career by then and myself in mine, with my writing and the shop. I see us continuing to support each other in our chosen creative fields, doing a lot of traveling together, with our son, Tom Otis. I want us to see the world. We don’t need stuff, just want to come home to a comfortable, loving home. 

What advice would you give to a newlywed?

The first year is the hardest, so don’t feel like you made the wrong decision. Start a savings account and add to it yearly. The single most important thing in a marriage is to communicate. Always tell the other what’s going on, because letting it build up is never a good idea. You aren’t a mind reader and neither is your partner. Come at problems in an adult, calm way and you can avoid saying something you might regret. Also, have fun!!! Marriage is fun! You get to spend everyday with your best friend. It’s awesome. 

Thank you so much, Erin! We’ll see you sweet readers here next week for another Marriage Monday interview!

You can keep up with Erin Austen Abbott here: Website, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest